


bill and ted's motherfuckin' gay as shit vampire adventure at night

by bbuckyy



Category: Bill & Ted (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Closeted Character, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, i'm just a slut for characters being afraid of themselves tbh, pretty angsty at bits
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-07 14:26:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19211284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbuckyy/pseuds/bbuckyy
Summary: exactly what the title says lmao





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> it's not perfect but that's fine cause i wrote this when i should have been sleeping lmao. enjoy what i've got so far!

The bus was hot and sweaty, as were most places in San Dimas this time of year. It was mid-May, just days before the last day of junior year, and Mr. Abbott’s earth science class was leaving on a trip to the caves of Johnstone Peak, just outside of San Dimas. Bill and Ted sat smushed against the window of the school bus playing cards.

“Got any… sevens?” Bill peaked over his hand to see Ted sticking his tongue out in concentration, staring at his cards.

“Uhh… no. I mean, go fish.” Ted’s dark hair was pulled back into a short ponytail to keep the sweat from dripping into his eyes. Of course they had to get the one bus without air conditioning. Bill grabbed another card from the messy pile on the seat between them to add to his ever-growing hand. “Got any aces?”

Bill slammed his cards down on the seat in frustration. “This is stupid, dude, you win.” Ted began to grin before fully comprehending his friend’s tone. He popped his head over the seat and looked around the bus, making sure no one else was looking in their direction. Once he was sure the coast was clear, he ducked his head back down and slowly moved his hand over towards Bill’s, quietly and carefully lacing their fingers together as Bill stared at him, his frustration clearly melting away. Bill squeezed Ted’s hand.

It was a short bus ride, so they only got about ten minutes of hand holding before they had to separate as fast as they could once the class started to pour out of the bus.

Ted’s sleeveless t-shirt and ripped jeans did nothing to ward off the hot San Dimas sun, neither did Bill’s Black Sabbath crop top and matching jeans.

Mr. Abbott’s slow, monotone voice broke through the chatter of the rest of the class to review the itinerary for the day. “Okay, folks, this here is Mr. Jacob Merris,” he gestured to the khaki-clad man to his left, “and he’s going to be giving you all a tour of the caves. You don’t have to take notes, but some of what he says may be important for your final. He’ll bring you back here at 11:30 for lunch, then you’re free to explore the caves until 1:45 when we’ll go back to the school. Make sure to have a buddy with you at all times, and have, uh, have fun.”

Bill and Ted stayed at the back of the group as Jacob began guiding the class into the caves. They were actually kind of pretty. Small lanterns stood on the posts that marked the edges of the path, and the millions of stalactites above them were illuminated in golden light.

Ted pulled Bill back and pointed into one of the caverns the group passed. “Dude, look, you see those three stalag-whatevers over there?” Bill nodded. “They totally look like the Metallica M, don’t they?”

Bill didn’t see it, but he agreed anyway. “Totally, dude!” They air guitared, of course. Noticing the silence in the cave, each gave a cursory glance around before locking eyes, enjoying the alone time somewhere other than one of their bedrooms. “This is kinda nice, dude.” Bill mumbled.

Ted giggled and put his hand on Bill’s chin. “Yeah, it is.” He planted a quick, cautious kiss on his best friend’s lips before pulling away, smile still on his lips. Suddenly, he animated. “Come on dude, let’s catch up with the rest of the class!” He practically bounced down the path towards where the group had disappeared, so fast that Bill lost sight of him, just for a moment.

Bill chuckled, “Ok, dude, I’m coming.” He turned the corner, but didn’t see Ted anywhere. “Ted? Alright, dude, you got me, ha ha ha. You can come out now?” Bill prepared himself for Ted to jump out behind a pillar or something and startle him. “Come on, Ted, we’re gonna lose the rest of the class.” Ted didn’t answer. Bill turned the corner into another cavern, and there, about thirty feet up, was Ted, lying in the dirt, face down. Bill ran over to him. He flipped Ted over and held his head in his lap, shaking his shoulders. Ted’s hair had been messily pulled out of his ponytail and… and his neck was covered in blood.

Bill shook him harder and harder. “Ted, wake up dude. Come on, this isn’t funny anymore!” He felt steamy tears well up in his eyes. He turned his head up toward the path. “Help! Someone help, please! Ted’s hurt!” Silence. And then Ted stirred.

Eyes still closed, he mumbled “Bill? Wh- what’s up dude?”

“Ted, you’re hurt, dude. We gotta get you some help.” Ted opened his eyes and brought a hand up to his neck, looking at the blood it left on his fingers. “Can you walk, dude?”

Ted was in shock. “I- yeah, I think so. Help me up.” Ted shifted as Bill hoisted him up and positioned himself under Ted’s arm, pointing them towards where the rest of the class would have gone.

Bill kept on shouting for help as Ted’s feat dragged in the dirt after each step. A long fifteen minutes passed before they saw Jacob and the rest of the class.There was lots of drama- students screaming and holding onto each other as Jacob rushed to the boys- that Ted wouldn’t remember as he slouched over, passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apparently san dimas isn't actually that hot but it's fine because we all want ted in a ponytail so


	2. two

Ted woke up on his own bed at home. Well, technically he had been drearily awake for a lot of the rest of the day, but he didn’t remember it at all. Bill was by his side, of course, bouncing his leg up and down on the carpet nervously and chewing on hangnails. Ted groaned and rubbed his eyes.

“Dude, you’re awake!” Bill rushed over to the bed from the desk chair to hold Ted’s face. “You’ve been passed out for like two hours, dude! Are you okay?”

“I don’t know, man.” Ted squinted as the fluorescent ceiling light burned his eyes. “Can you turn that light off? I’ve got a gnarly headache.” Bill flipped the lightswitch and turned on the lamp on Ted’s nightstand, covering the cramped room in dim golden light.

“Is that better dude?”

“Yeah, much.”

“Are you alright, man? Do you want anything?”

Ted propped himself up on his elbows. “Yeah, dude. I’m, like, majorly starving.”

“Anything for you, Ted my friend. PB&J?” Ted gave a small nod as Bill leaned down to lay a gentle kiss on his forehead.

Bill disappeared down the hall into the kitchen, and Ted rubbed his eyes. He sat up on the bed and tried to regain his sea legs before attempting to stand up. He gripped the corner of the nightstand and hoisted himself up, stretching so far that his hands were pushed against the ceiling. He brought his right hand up to his neck absentmindedly, trying to scratch an itch, and remembered his wound, now safely covered in gauze and bandages. “Oh, right.” he mumbled. He walked over the small mirror propped up against his wall and bent over to examine his neck. He slowly peeled off the bandage, the adhesive of the tape tugging on his skin as it ripped the hairs off his neck. There was… no blood at all on the bandage. _Hmm. They must have changed it before I got home_ , he thought to himself. He looked closer at the mirror and saw that there was no scab, no gash or gaping rip in his skin, just two small, slightly irritated holes.

He ran his fingers over them and felt a chill run up his spine.

Bill burst in the door holding two paper plates. “Soup’s on, Ted my friend.” His stupid grin fell when he saw Ted standing unbandaged at the mirror. He set the plates down on the bed. “Dude, you shouldn’t be up. And you definitely shouldn’t take your bandage off.”

“It’s fine, dude, look.” Ted turned to show Bill his neck. “No blood. I’m totally healed, dude!”

Bill didn’t look convinced, but carried on anyway. “Okay, whatever you say, dude. Let’s chow down.” He handed Ted a paper plate with a messy peanut butter and jelly sandwich on it.

Ted could hardly get a few bites down before he had to run to the bathroom to throw up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter's a little short but there's more a-coming!


	3. three

Bill tossed and turned in his bed, trying his hardest to fall asleep. It had been two days since the field trip, and Ted wasn’t at school, wasn’t answering the phone, or letting anyone into the house (with Deacon’s help). Captain Logan made Bill leave the house the night of the incident after Ted threw up, and Bill had been worried sick ever since. He had run through every possible explanation in his head a thousand times. Ted had a gnarly infection that he didn’t want anybody to see, Ted remembered what hurt him and it made him insane so Captain Logan wouldn’t let Bill in, Ted had gotten radiation poisoning that gave him superpowers so he was taken by the government, but the rest of the Logan family had to keep it a secret, on and on and on, but none of it sounded right.

He rolled over again and tried a new approach to get him tired. _Montgomery, Juneau, Phoenix, Little Rock, Sacramento_ … he ran through the list he memorized in sixth grade all the way up until Cheyenne, Wyoming, then again, then backwards. After about the fifth time through, he started to feel drowsy, until…

 _Tap, tap, tap_. Bill shot upright and looked at the window. _Tap, tap, tap_. He rushed over to see a figure standing on the ledge, hanging tightly onto the window sill with one hand.

“Ted!” Bill had to keep himself from shouting his best friend’s name at the risk of waking up Missy and his dad. He rushed over and opened the window, pulling Ted inside. Ted’s hand felt cold and clammy, and he was shaking. “Ted, dude, I’m so happy to see you. Where’ve you been?”

Ted held tightly onto the post at the foot of Bill’s bed. “Sorry, dude. I’ve been feeling… most unusual.” Ted was turned away from Bill, and he was lisping slightly, like he did when he had to wear that headgear in seventh grade. All his _s_ sounds turned into _sh_ , so he said _shorry_ instead of _sorry_.

“It’s okay, dude, I was just worried.” Bill closed the window, reminiscing about when they first developed that secret route up the side of the house so Ted could sneak in whenever Captain Logan started shouting again, or Bill could sneak out if his dad had one too many beers. Bill walked over and put a hand on Ted’s back, leaning down to try and get a look at his face, still obscured by his dark hair. “Are you okay?”

Ted tried to hide his dry sobs as he turned away from Bill. “No. I’m scared, dude.” Bill felt his stomach turn.

“Ted, come on, babe, let me see your face.” Bill grabbed Ted’s shoulder, turned him around, and switched on the light on the nightstand. Ted flinched. He pulled away slightly and shut his eyes tight as Bill pushed Ted’s hair out of his face. “Ted, you’re scaring me, come on.”

Ted sighed and slowly opened his eyes. It took a moment for Bill to notice, but Ted’s deep brown eyes had turned a vibrant, shining yellow. Bill gasped and dropped his hands. “What’s- what’s going on?”

“Bill, please just be normal.” As soon as Ted opened his mouth, Bill took a step back.

“Open- open your mouth.” Ted choked a little bit, holding back tears, and slowly opened his mouth and curled back his lips to show sharp, elongated canines. Bill stumbled back into his desk, bringing a hand to his mouth.

Ted started to move towards him again, but his hand was still firmly grasped on the bedpost, forearm flexed intently. Bill noticed this and moved his eyes down to the floor, only to see Ted’s shoes hovering just a few millimeters above the ground.

“Ted, l-let go of the bed, dude.” Ted hesitated before complying, floating above the floor until his head was just a few inches from the ceiling. Ted couldn’t hold it back any longer, and started sobbing into his hand, tears streaming from his piercing yellow eyes.

“I’m sorry, dude, I shouldn’t have come here.” Ted pushed himself off the ceiling towards the window, obviously not able to control how he moved quite yet.

“Wait!” Bill grabbed Ted’s wrist, and Ted whipped his head around to face him. Now it was Bill’s turn to cry. He felt the tears form, but quickly wiped them away as he pulled Ted down toward him. “You’re gonna be okay, right?”

‘“I-I don’t know, dude. This has all been happening so fast, I’m so scared.”

Bill cupped Ted’s face in his hands. “Hey, I’m here. We’ll- we’ll figure it out.” Ted was still shaking.

“Bill, please kiss me.” Bill hesitated for a moment, worried about the new dental situation, but pulled Ted down anyway, pressing his lips against his own. Ted’s lips were cold. Bill pulled away.

“You’re freezing, dude.”

“I know. My, uh, my pulse started slowing after you left on Thursday. It’s hardly there at all anymore.”

“So then, you’re…”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” Bill sighed. “At least we know what it is, then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bnt calling each other babe >>>>>>>>>>


	4. four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm too lazy and tired to write how they actually figured out the floating situation so guess what we're gonna skip? that.

Bill and Ted had spent endless hours figuring two things out: 1, how to control Ted’s movement a little more, well, intentionally, and 2, how to keep Bill off of him because, if Bill was being honest, the fangs were _pretty_ hot (even with the adorable lisp they gave Ted).

After seemingly endless hours of training, focus, and carefully-placed make out sessions, they had managed to give Ted some semblance of motor control. He could manage to stay anchored on the ground, and he could float almost wherever he pleased with relative ease, but acting like a regular human taking steps was difficult, to say the least. He ended up looking like he was walking on ice, awkwardly lifting up a foot and placing it down on the carpet, only to slide a few centimeters forward, and needing to take a moment to prepare himself for the next step.

They figured it was about time to take a… break, and tried their best to get Ted to lay down on Bill’s bed. That was easier said than done, so Ted ended up just going under the covers, and Bill tightly secured the ends of the blankets under the mattress, creating a sort of pocket for Ted to lie in.

Bill settled in next to his best friend, and both rolled over to face the other. Bill placed a tender hand on Ted’s cheek, still cold to the touch.

“How are you holding up, man?” Bill tried to hide his concern behind artificial nonchalance, but he was a much better guitar player than he was an actor (which was saying something).

Ted hesitated. “Honestly, dude? I don’t know. It’s definitely easier with you here, but it’s a lot to get used to. I’m-” he sighed. “I’m not human anymore. Huh. Feels weird to say it out loud, but I’m not. I’m a… well, you know. Mainly I’m just scared. I’ve noticed that I don’t really… need to breathe anymore? Like, obviously I do it to talk, but if I’m not talking, I could just as easily not breathe. I guess that’s one of the side effects of being, like, dead.”

Ted slowed down on that last sentence, its meaning finally setting in. _Ted wasn’t alive anymore_. Bill swallowed and moved his hand into Ted’s hair, pulling the two together so that their foreheads touched. Ted started to weep, quietly and ashamedly into the sheets of Bill’s bed.

“What does this mean for us, dude?” Ted could hardly get the words through his sobs. “Am I, like, immortal now? How long can we fake me being normal for?”

“You don’t gotta worry about that now, babe.” Bill moved his body closer to Ted’s, letting him leech his body heat longingly. He slid his hand down to Ted’s waist. “Everything’s gonna work out, I promise.”

Bill shifted so he and Ted were at eye level with each other, and gently pressed his lips into Ted’s. The cold softness of Ted’s mouth had grown comfortable in the past few hours. Ironically, the shape of Ted’s elongated teeth created a perfect tongue-sized hole for Bill and Ted to explore as they pleased. The two sat up in the bed as the kiss grew longer and more passionate, both of them grasping for one another, gripping necks and jaws and hair and waists. Bill gingerly slipped his hand under the hem of Ted’s t-shirt, sliding it up his back, not parting from his mouth. Ted moaned and guided Bill’s hand up onto his chest. Bill pulled away as Ted pulled his shirt over his head. His body looked strangely the same. Not pale or emaciated like in those old movies, but exactly like Ted had always looked.

Ted forgot about his… gravitational situation as he pulled the bedsheets off of his legs, gently floating a few inches above the mattress. Something about the heat of the moment punctuated by this strange new addition to their lives sparked something in the two boys, and they both burst into laughter.

“Looks like you’re gonna have to come and catch me!” Ted taunted, floating slowly away from his best friend. Bill chuckled.

“Shut up, Ted.” He pushed Ted back a few feet and slid off the bed so he was standing a couple feet below him. Bill reached up and grabbed Ted’s neck, pulling him closer, and resuming their kiss in media res, Ted still floating slightly above him.

Ted lowered himself slightly, just enough to wrap his legs around Bill’s waist, cradling him weightlessly, gripping at his tight golden curls.

Bill pulled away with a smile, holding Ted’s ass even though he didn’t have to. “Dude. this opens up so many possibilities.”


End file.
